i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
