Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
