Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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