do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
