i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
