The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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