I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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