I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You took a bar mat shot.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
