Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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