My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
