If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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