My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
