Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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