Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
