My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
