I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
