Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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