apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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