ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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