Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
