my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
