I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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