My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
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