connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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