The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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