ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
