If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
