i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
