Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
