I will die if light touches me.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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