just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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