he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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