Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
