Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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