I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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