I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
