I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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