Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I wish life had little blips of pornography
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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