I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
