Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
