Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
