I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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