It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
