We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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