The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
as a side note pls kill me
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
