She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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