its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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