yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
