I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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