I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
